Advice For the Best Job Interview of Your Life

I've had a rough morning. Yes, it's 1:30pm but that is when my afternoon begins when I don't have anything to do and it's raining too hard for a coffee run. Eventually when I get enough steam in my engines, I'll stand up, feed the cat, and brew a pot myself (coffee, not marijuana - although both would work in different ways).

My boyfriend has a job interview at William Morris/Endeavor this afternoon. Yipee! A big, snobby building full of small, snobby people that will probably turn him into a Jewish snobby jerk (not that he needs much help in that department). I understand the presitge of this agency and the excitement that comes along with even just getting the interview but what I don't understand is the facade one must put on in order to achieve said job. Why are there thousands of websites out there ready to be googled with titles like "Ten Things to Say to Get the Job of Your Dreams!" or "Shave Your Beard and Succeed at Life!" (more on that later). Young people coming up in today's industry are no longer working for people our parent's age - they're being hired by people much younger that secretly - probably - don't care if you have a beard and don't want you to say the prerequisite junk they get on every interview. My boyfriend was working directly below a 21 YEAR OLD at CBS. Do you think she even knows what a 5 'o clock shadow is? I doubt it.

If I were interviewing someone for a job, here's how it would go:

Me: How was it getting here today?
him/her: Well honestly the rain was awful and my hair would look a lot better if it weren't for that.
Me: Oh, that's fine. Messy hair is a sign of luck.
him/her: Oh yeah?
Me: Yes. Let's get on with the interview. Why do you want this position?
him/her: I really dig it. It makes me feel good to think about it and I'm ready to take on some new things, you know? I'm just excited and I like the atmosphere.
Me: Good answer. What are your hobbies?

him/her: I like music, making waffles on my waffle maker, drawing on sneakers, and sleeping.

Me: Excellent. So you're into both the performing and visual arts, cuisine, and relaxation?

him/her: Yep.

Me: Well I'm sold. You have the job. Oh, wait. Do you drink or do drugs? (trick question here)

him/her: Well I love a good margarita if  that's what you're saying.

Me: Report here on Monday!

And it's as easy as that. Throw in a comment about the cat hair on your outfit and you're as good as gold. Being real and being you is the key to life. Haven't any of you young people read a self-help book lately? Wake up from your bleary eyed dreams and get with the program. Most of the people interviewing you have just woke up from a hangover or having sex with their creepy partners. They're not focusing on you saying the right thing. What are the chances that they've always said the right thing? I'm so tired of hearing ABOUT saying the right thing!!! What does that mean? Hell, I might be terrible when I interview for a real job someday but I already sort of have a real job and have rarely been turned down from a position so I think I know what I'm talking about. I am as real as they come for better or worse. I don't have anything else up my sleeve. If you're not real and you get the job then did YOU really even get it? Or did some weirdo in a freaky Pee Wee Herman suit? I'm just confused I suppose.

Of course as we all know, beards are forbidden unless you are a homeless man (sarcasm).

Even my 23 year old boyfriend agrees about this point (as he said a little while ago). Beards aren't the hottest thing a gentleman could ever put on their bodies. They're not sexy or fashionable or handsome. Nooooo - on the contrary. They're devices to prove your ugliness and lack of motivation. If you can't pick up that razor then you can't hold a job! There is no one on earth who has a beard who also happens to be successful!!!!!!

Oh wait...