Who Knows

The first time someone kills someone it must be devastating. The second time, it's probably already on its way to becoming a way of life. The guilt is probably much less disturbing and the feeling is probably dead. I have been at my job for years. I still enjoy it but the 'feeling' is not exactly there the way it used to be. I take my job very seriously and feel fiercely protective of it but I go about the daily business with my eyes slightly closed. The thrill is gone.

I find thrill in places I shouldn't. Sometimes I find myself sitting alone in silence and wondering if I'm a horrible person but it's probably the times I'm not wondering if I'm a horrible person that I'm actually the most horrible. I wasn't always this horrible. It is depressing to think of what I've become. I used to be such a goofball - I still am - but with this murky edge that I'm still not sure if I like. When I was 16, I would have never even considered smoking a cigarette or drinking excessively or slowly ruining my relationship. I would've never even known how to do any of those things. Last night I proved to myself that I'm capable of drinking over six drinks and being fine for work in the morning without Motrin or any sleep. When I was 21, I probably would've been impressed with this. At 24, I think it's kind of pathetic. I have little self control. I find myself in situations that I should walk away from and walk directly towards them. I always know something awful is going to happen when I have this overly excited feeling in my chest that can't be shaken until I've gone quite over the edge.

I could try to blame this for the millionth time on basically losing my closest friend's company to a stroke or a massive boredom funk but I can't help but also wonder if I'm just turning into a horrible person. What constitutes that anyway? Not thinking about other people's feelings? Not thinking of consequences of actions? I can't help how I am. I'm trying to revise my way of thinking.

A Few Things That Make Me Happy

Concerts
The National
Autumn
Learning
Good speakers
Writing
Margaritas
Charlie Chaplin (the cat)
Chelsea Lately
Shopping
Costume Jewelry
Shoes
Adventures
Beards
Keeping Up With the Kardashians
John Mayer
Record stores
Cowboy boots (I guess that's shoes..)

That's all I can think of.

Busy Days, Boring Nights

Sometimes I feel like such a loser. I'm 24 and while in those 24 years I've managed to make a few really incredible friends, I haven't really made that many as a sum total - or at least ones that I actually enjoy hanging out with. I don't know if it's me or them but usually I feel like it's too big an effort to make conversation and try to be genuinely interested in things that I'm only half listening to.

My wonderful boyfriend always tells me that the guys I hang out with (and therefore flirt with) are not "good looking" and when I start hanging out with attractive guys he'll start being worried. I do have a tendency to flirt with people that are not necessarily conventionally attractive. They're usually losers that are stuck in their parent's house and have no care that they're nearing 30 years old and don't have a job or a car. I like to pride myself in finding the good in people - even if it's buried way deep inside there. Lately though it seems as if my only friends are the losers and the scariest part is that some of these losers think I'm a loser.

I should clarify. It's not because of any of the usual reasons like I'm ugly or have no money, it's more because I don't drink enough Pabst Blue Ribbon, can't tell the difference between whiskeys, and don't like ska music. I know it should be a good thing to be considered a loser under these parameters but with a small selection of people I actually can stand to be around, it's rough. It's difficult to explain. When I hang around with guys like this, I genuinely do find qualities I like about them. A lot of people who have spent a lot of time watching funny television shows and sitting around drinking beer for the past decade can have really interesting stories. They're easy going and certainly don't judge anyone. They don't want to go to any snooty clubs where drinks are $12 each and there's definitely not an slimy pick-up lines or scumbag trash talking. It's basically sitting in someone's backyard or a local pub and talking about music or childhood - which I've always enjoyed. Since there's no fakery, the conversation is always upfront and pretty cool.

I know I should be hanging out with girls that like John Mayer and want to go to Forever 21 with me but show me one girl like that (other than the best one that lives too far) who is actually fun to be around. I do want friends with similar interests to me but they're all pretty ridiculous. What matters far more than those superficial qualities is the genuine feeling behind a friendship. I like to sit down and have a real conversation with someone and try to make them laugh. I want to go out, drink, have fun, and come home and feel like I lived a little. Although this rarely happens, when it does it's a great feeling. I feel like my mind is slightly jumbled right now with the heat and the fact that I'm kind of crazy in general but I want to find a way to meet more people that share my sensibilities, not my interests. The few people I know now disappoint me and let me down - and I shouldn't be disappointed by these people! I want to meet people that are so awesome I am rightfully disappointed if they don't call me on a Friday night.

I guess it's going to be another boring evening after work.

Boredom comes in Four Varities: Spring, Summer, Winter, and Fall

I found this little blurb I wrote about the month of April just now and I felt like posting it finally. I feel the way I felt when I wrote this a lot. I'm busier now but the sentiments are the same. Just silly.

I am having a pretty bad day. It's a Friday night and I'm alone with my cat watching Never Been Kissed. I'm most looking forward to watching The Soup in a hour and that's about it. I have tequila but I ran out of margarita mix and my cat (aptly named Charlie Margarita Chaplin) just broke my last remaining margarita glass while trying to play with the straw coming out of it from last night's festivities. Last night's festivities were crying while watching Parenthood (Peter Krause and Lauren Graham dating?! Love it!) and writing drunken emails to the 50 year old man I'm in love with - I didn't send them, don't worry.

So other than that, I'm basically listening to music. My LastFm account tells me I listen to approximately 12 songs a day and I guess that's about right on an average day. In the past week I feel like it's three times that. It is the only thing that makes me happy in a lot of my days lately. My month has been an absolute dud. I am tired of April (is that the month we're in? I don't even know). I don't necessarily want it to be the fifth month of the year already but I really am sick of being stuck in this stupid month (only stupid because I'm so bored right now). I have nothing personally against April. I feel like I'm talking about a person.

Anyhow, school is winding down and I'm attending the New Jersey Folk Festival tomorrow on campus grounds here at Rutgers University. They're focusing on music from the Andes which should be really interesting. I don't know how much I'll actually watch but I'll certainly give it a try. Maybe I'll take a picture or something. Maybe I'll wear something snappy for no reason. Sorry, I have a very difficult time finding the point of many things - this has been a problem my entire life. I can't tell you how many times lately I've been standing in line at a store or cafe and just as I'm about to reach the front, change my mind and walk out. I can never make up my mind and I don't even have that many choices to make. Well, that's not true. As a human we all have a thousand choices to make every minute. I could shave my head right now and dye my skin green with Kool Aid or something. I chose to wear a yellow knit hat today and listen to The National nonstop. Those didn't seem like choices but they were. No one else I saw chose to wear a yellow knit hat.

I'm extremely exhausted of being around people and yet I feel so lonesome when I'm just sitting here doing nothing by myself. There's no happy medium it seems.

So that was then.

And now you might be asking yourself "well, what does the picture accompanying this post have to do with anything?" Well it doesn't but a few weeks ago I was walking the now Jersey Shore-infested Jersey Shore when I saw one of those wheel games where the prizes are all records - and one of the records was the audiophile version of The National LP! Fantastic. I couldn't help but take a picture and jump up and down. And notice the albums on either side: Jimi Hendrix and Pink Floyd? It is rightfully in legendary company.

Sexism

It is almost unreal how young females are treated. I'm sure this doesn't go for everywhere but the level of disrespect is out of control in the year 2010. Either it's over appreciation because a girl is hot or under appreciation because she's a girl and males in charge think they can speak to them however they please. Either way, it's despicable and there is no excuse. I was just cursed at in an atmosphere (I will specifically not say where) that should NEVER have any displays of foul language. I've heard it before but never in the hateful, disrespectful way I just heard it. I should have cursed back or forcefully insisted that I cannot be spoken to like that but I was so shocked that I didn't say anything and to make matters worse a few minutes later I did say something very slight and he refused to admit that he even said it. Then he excused it by saying that he is tired and doesn't have time for this - therefore placing the blame on me and making it seem like I am the problem.

Saying "you fucked it up" and then hanging up on someone is never okay unless you personally know them and are in a heated argument. I don't take that kind of language from my own boyfriend let alone someone I barely know.

Maybe I'm old fashioned but that - for me - is absolutely uncalled for. But don't worry, I won't say anything to anyone. I'll just shut up and take it like a million other people out there.

Good Day!

I am Okay.

I haven't posted anything in over a month on this site. It's not because I haven't taken pictures of my cat (God knows I've taken more than I'd like to admit) and it's not because I didn't want to. It's just because I don't really write much anymore. 'Anymore' usually implies that it's finite - it's not something I will never do again it's just that I am not happy. Sometimes it's great to write when you're 'not happy' and other times the unhappiness takes over so much that it makes everything difficult. I have ideas - some I occasionally even write down - but absolutely NO energy.

My day typically entails waking up around 1pm, dragging myself to the refrigerator where I drink soymilk out of the carton (it's not that gross - I'm the only one who drinks it), dragging myself to the living room where my cat meows at me and we sit together under our mutual fleece plaid blanket and watch the E! network. Then - perhaps - my boyfriend will get angry at me and force me to get ready enough to go to the local Dunkin' Donuts where I buy the same thing everyday. The man behind the counter will inevitably ask me if I want my coffee iced and I will sarcastically tell him that I don't understand why everyone always asks me that. I want it hot.

That's the only thing in my day that is hot though - unless my boyfriend shuts off the air conditioning as he's prone to do. Sometimes I go to work where I sit in a box - with no air conditioning - alone and hear the floors creaking and the doors shaking from the wind. I sit here alone like I do at home, like I do at a concert alone, like I do at the movies alone, etc.

Sometimes it's a little dark to be honest. I'm okay. I frequently get asked "Are you okay?" in fact and although it's my least favorite question in the history of the symbol "?", the answer is almost always yes. Yes, a lot of people are 'okay' if that means they're not falling from a ledge, dangling 50 feet in the air or in the emergency room with their feet being amputated but that doesn't mean much, does it? And is it really that great to just be "okay"? Imagine if you go into a room to ask your significant other if a new outfit looks good that you're really proud of and they say you look "okay" - how will you feel?

I'm not alright with just being okay. As far as I know I don't have a horrific diesease and I'm not living on the streets (presently), both of which I'm thankful for, but here are some facts about me that could be construed as not so okay:

- I have a part-time job where I make very little money and have little human contact.
- I do not have much money in the bank.
- I worry about my parents every single day and God forbid what would happen if they were injured.
- My teeth could be a lot better.
- I am as pale as they come and every time I look in the mirror I am unsatisfied.
- I buy clothes to make myself feel better and then put them on and feel worse.
- Every time I shop I'm aware that I will have no place to wear these items - and I buy them anyhow.
- I am usually alone.
- I do not like many people individually although I like people as a whole.
- My closest local friend has been in the hospital for nearly six months and I'm still very lost without him.
- I hate my hair so much and I have no idea what to do with it.
- My best friend lives nearly 1,000 miles away and I see her maybe twice a year at most.
- I'm awkward and usually I don't even care.
- I think about death at least 15 times a day - and that's a small estimate.
- I don't really have any goals at age 24 but at age 16 I probably had 500 million.
- I used to love Broadway and performing so much but I got realistic very, very quickly.
- People - sometimes even very influential people - tell me I'm an excellent writer and use adjectives to describe my writing that are unbelievable to me but I know instantly that I will let them down so I don't do anything about it. This is probably the worst and self-defeating of all my bad traits.
- I am not particularly happy with anything in my life but nothing is awful either. It is the worst spot to be in.
- I like old men because I never had a father to rummage through his closet with a father smell and broad shoulders and all that protection that comes along with it.
- I have no motivation, no energy, bad sleeping habits, bad eating habits, etc.
- I don't see a reason to change any of that because I have no goals (once again).
- I don't know anyone who motivates me. My boyfriend is very motivated and therefore very self-centered.
- It's recently come to my attention that I come off as a little flighty or aloof sometimes - it's because my mind is usually elsewhere. Just because I am a young female does not automatically mean that I am dumb. I'm way smarter than most 45 year old men and everyone else. Sorry that I don't brag and gloat and flaunt all my accomplishments around like others do, the day I start trying to impress someone else is the day I become very uninteresting - and I have yet to be told that I'm uninteresting.
- I have little self-confidence although I know I should have more - so maybe that's a little confidence?
- I just don't care very often because if I put all my energy into caring I will care too much. It's all or nothing for me.
- I wish my father hadn't passed away. Something I didn't think too much about until the past six or so years.
- I choose to try to occupy myself and have fun and have hobbies instead of focusing on all the things I've written here. Although I've been homeless, seen my mother beaten up multiple times before I was even 5 years old, gotten attacked by a dog and have a scar on my face for the rest of my life, gotten dumped by text message, had knots in my hair for years as a child, had no clothes to wear, had our family's electric turned off (and phone and hot water and cable, etc), had my grandmother, father, and aunt pass away, have no relationship with one half of my entire family, battle every semester to get enough money to go to college, haven't graduated yet (at age 24), let go of all my childhood dreams, have few close friends, have little respect at work, went through Chris having a massive stroke, etc, etc - I STILL TRY TO BE HAPPY. I get very happy over little things - tv shows, commercials, concerts, a new song, Arizona Iced Tea, whatever. I get very happy over going to the same stupid bars and stores I've been going to for years. I get very happy over seeing other people happy.

I don't know why I wrote all of this but I was feeling extremely sick today and when I got up enough energy to start writing this is what came out. Lately everything seems like it is coming to a head - coming to a place where something has to break. I'm not sure of anymore than this.

I am okay.

My Cat is the Reincarnation of the Still Alive Halle Berry