Who Knows

The first time someone kills someone it must be devastating. The second time, it's probably already on its way to becoming a way of life. The guilt is probably much less disturbing and the feeling is probably dead. I have been at my job for years. I still enjoy it but the 'feeling' is not exactly there the way it used to be. I take my job very seriously and feel fiercely protective of it but I go about the daily business with my eyes slightly closed. The thrill is gone.

I find thrill in places I shouldn't. Sometimes I find myself sitting alone in silence and wondering if I'm a horrible person but it's probably the times I'm not wondering if I'm a horrible person that I'm actually the most horrible. I wasn't always this horrible. It is depressing to think of what I've become. I used to be such a goofball - I still am - but with this murky edge that I'm still not sure if I like. When I was 16, I would have never even considered smoking a cigarette or drinking excessively or slowly ruining my relationship. I would've never even known how to do any of those things. Last night I proved to myself that I'm capable of drinking over six drinks and being fine for work in the morning without Motrin or any sleep. When I was 21, I probably would've been impressed with this. At 24, I think it's kind of pathetic. I have little self control. I find myself in situations that I should walk away from and walk directly towards them. I always know something awful is going to happen when I have this overly excited feeling in my chest that can't be shaken until I've gone quite over the edge.

I could try to blame this for the millionth time on basically losing my closest friend's company to a stroke or a massive boredom funk but I can't help but also wonder if I'm just turning into a horrible person. What constitutes that anyway? Not thinking about other people's feelings? Not thinking of consequences of actions? I can't help how I am. I'm trying to revise my way of thinking.