I am Okay.

I haven't posted anything in over a month on this site. It's not because I haven't taken pictures of my cat (God knows I've taken more than I'd like to admit) and it's not because I didn't want to. It's just because I don't really write much anymore. 'Anymore' usually implies that it's finite - it's not something I will never do again it's just that I am not happy. Sometimes it's great to write when you're 'not happy' and other times the unhappiness takes over so much that it makes everything difficult. I have ideas - some I occasionally even write down - but absolutely NO energy.

My day typically entails waking up around 1pm, dragging myself to the refrigerator where I drink soymilk out of the carton (it's not that gross - I'm the only one who drinks it), dragging myself to the living room where my cat meows at me and we sit together under our mutual fleece plaid blanket and watch the E! network. Then - perhaps - my boyfriend will get angry at me and force me to get ready enough to go to the local Dunkin' Donuts where I buy the same thing everyday. The man behind the counter will inevitably ask me if I want my coffee iced and I will sarcastically tell him that I don't understand why everyone always asks me that. I want it hot.

That's the only thing in my day that is hot though - unless my boyfriend shuts off the air conditioning as he's prone to do. Sometimes I go to work where I sit in a box - with no air conditioning - alone and hear the floors creaking and the doors shaking from the wind. I sit here alone like I do at home, like I do at a concert alone, like I do at the movies alone, etc.

Sometimes it's a little dark to be honest. I'm okay. I frequently get asked "Are you okay?" in fact and although it's my least favorite question in the history of the symbol "?", the answer is almost always yes. Yes, a lot of people are 'okay' if that means they're not falling from a ledge, dangling 50 feet in the air or in the emergency room with their feet being amputated but that doesn't mean much, does it? And is it really that great to just be "okay"? Imagine if you go into a room to ask your significant other if a new outfit looks good that you're really proud of and they say you look "okay" - how will you feel?

I'm not alright with just being okay. As far as I know I don't have a horrific diesease and I'm not living on the streets (presently), both of which I'm thankful for, but here are some facts about me that could be construed as not so okay:

- I have a part-time job where I make very little money and have little human contact.
- I do not have much money in the bank.
- I worry about my parents every single day and God forbid what would happen if they were injured.
- My teeth could be a lot better.
- I am as pale as they come and every time I look in the mirror I am unsatisfied.
- I buy clothes to make myself feel better and then put them on and feel worse.
- Every time I shop I'm aware that I will have no place to wear these items - and I buy them anyhow.
- I am usually alone.
- I do not like many people individually although I like people as a whole.
- My closest local friend has been in the hospital for nearly six months and I'm still very lost without him.
- I hate my hair so much and I have no idea what to do with it.
- My best friend lives nearly 1,000 miles away and I see her maybe twice a year at most.
- I'm awkward and usually I don't even care.
- I think about death at least 15 times a day - and that's a small estimate.
- I don't really have any goals at age 24 but at age 16 I probably had 500 million.
- I used to love Broadway and performing so much but I got realistic very, very quickly.
- People - sometimes even very influential people - tell me I'm an excellent writer and use adjectives to describe my writing that are unbelievable to me but I know instantly that I will let them down so I don't do anything about it. This is probably the worst and self-defeating of all my bad traits.
- I am not particularly happy with anything in my life but nothing is awful either. It is the worst spot to be in.
- I like old men because I never had a father to rummage through his closet with a father smell and broad shoulders and all that protection that comes along with it.
- I have no motivation, no energy, bad sleeping habits, bad eating habits, etc.
- I don't see a reason to change any of that because I have no goals (once again).
- I don't know anyone who motivates me. My boyfriend is very motivated and therefore very self-centered.
- It's recently come to my attention that I come off as a little flighty or aloof sometimes - it's because my mind is usually elsewhere. Just because I am a young female does not automatically mean that I am dumb. I'm way smarter than most 45 year old men and everyone else. Sorry that I don't brag and gloat and flaunt all my accomplishments around like others do, the day I start trying to impress someone else is the day I become very uninteresting - and I have yet to be told that I'm uninteresting.
- I have little self-confidence although I know I should have more - so maybe that's a little confidence?
- I just don't care very often because if I put all my energy into caring I will care too much. It's all or nothing for me.
- I wish my father hadn't passed away. Something I didn't think too much about until the past six or so years.
- I choose to try to occupy myself and have fun and have hobbies instead of focusing on all the things I've written here. Although I've been homeless, seen my mother beaten up multiple times before I was even 5 years old, gotten attacked by a dog and have a scar on my face for the rest of my life, gotten dumped by text message, had knots in my hair for years as a child, had no clothes to wear, had our family's electric turned off (and phone and hot water and cable, etc), had my grandmother, father, and aunt pass away, have no relationship with one half of my entire family, battle every semester to get enough money to go to college, haven't graduated yet (at age 24), let go of all my childhood dreams, have few close friends, have little respect at work, went through Chris having a massive stroke, etc, etc - I STILL TRY TO BE HAPPY. I get very happy over little things - tv shows, commercials, concerts, a new song, Arizona Iced Tea, whatever. I get very happy over going to the same stupid bars and stores I've been going to for years. I get very happy over seeing other people happy.

I don't know why I wrote all of this but I was feeling extremely sick today and when I got up enough energy to start writing this is what came out. Lately everything seems like it is coming to a head - coming to a place where something has to break. I'm not sure of anymore than this.

I am okay.