Who Knows

The first time someone kills someone it must be devastating. The second time, it's probably already on its way to becoming a way of life. The guilt is probably much less disturbing and the feeling is probably dead. I have been at my job for years. I still enjoy it but the 'feeling' is not exactly there the way it used to be. I take my job very seriously and feel fiercely protective of it but I go about the daily business with my eyes slightly closed. The thrill is gone.

I find thrill in places I shouldn't. Sometimes I find myself sitting alone in silence and wondering if I'm a horrible person but it's probably the times I'm not wondering if I'm a horrible person that I'm actually the most horrible. I wasn't always this horrible. It is depressing to think of what I've become. I used to be such a goofball - I still am - but with this murky edge that I'm still not sure if I like. When I was 16, I would have never even considered smoking a cigarette or drinking excessively or slowly ruining my relationship. I would've never even known how to do any of those things. Last night I proved to myself that I'm capable of drinking over six drinks and being fine for work in the morning without Motrin or any sleep. When I was 21, I probably would've been impressed with this. At 24, I think it's kind of pathetic. I have little self control. I find myself in situations that I should walk away from and walk directly towards them. I always know something awful is going to happen when I have this overly excited feeling in my chest that can't be shaken until I've gone quite over the edge.

I could try to blame this for the millionth time on basically losing my closest friend's company to a stroke or a massive boredom funk but I can't help but also wonder if I'm just turning into a horrible person. What constitutes that anyway? Not thinking about other people's feelings? Not thinking of consequences of actions? I can't help how I am. I'm trying to revise my way of thinking.

A Few Things That Make Me Happy

Concerts
The National
Autumn
Learning
Good speakers
Writing
Margaritas
Charlie Chaplin (the cat)
Chelsea Lately
Shopping
Costume Jewelry
Shoes
Adventures
Beards
Keeping Up With the Kardashians
John Mayer
Record stores
Cowboy boots (I guess that's shoes..)

That's all I can think of.

Busy Days, Boring Nights

Sometimes I feel like such a loser. I'm 24 and while in those 24 years I've managed to make a few really incredible friends, I haven't really made that many as a sum total - or at least ones that I actually enjoy hanging out with. I don't know if it's me or them but usually I feel like it's too big an effort to make conversation and try to be genuinely interested in things that I'm only half listening to.

My wonderful boyfriend always tells me that the guys I hang out with (and therefore flirt with) are not "good looking" and when I start hanging out with attractive guys he'll start being worried. I do have a tendency to flirt with people that are not necessarily conventionally attractive. They're usually losers that are stuck in their parent's house and have no care that they're nearing 30 years old and don't have a job or a car. I like to pride myself in finding the good in people - even if it's buried way deep inside there. Lately though it seems as if my only friends are the losers and the scariest part is that some of these losers think I'm a loser.

I should clarify. It's not because of any of the usual reasons like I'm ugly or have no money, it's more because I don't drink enough Pabst Blue Ribbon, can't tell the difference between whiskeys, and don't like ska music. I know it should be a good thing to be considered a loser under these parameters but with a small selection of people I actually can stand to be around, it's rough. It's difficult to explain. When I hang around with guys like this, I genuinely do find qualities I like about them. A lot of people who have spent a lot of time watching funny television shows and sitting around drinking beer for the past decade can have really interesting stories. They're easy going and certainly don't judge anyone. They don't want to go to any snooty clubs where drinks are $12 each and there's definitely not an slimy pick-up lines or scumbag trash talking. It's basically sitting in someone's backyard or a local pub and talking about music or childhood - which I've always enjoyed. Since there's no fakery, the conversation is always upfront and pretty cool.

I know I should be hanging out with girls that like John Mayer and want to go to Forever 21 with me but show me one girl like that (other than the best one that lives too far) who is actually fun to be around. I do want friends with similar interests to me but they're all pretty ridiculous. What matters far more than those superficial qualities is the genuine feeling behind a friendship. I like to sit down and have a real conversation with someone and try to make them laugh. I want to go out, drink, have fun, and come home and feel like I lived a little. Although this rarely happens, when it does it's a great feeling. I feel like my mind is slightly jumbled right now with the heat and the fact that I'm kind of crazy in general but I want to find a way to meet more people that share my sensibilities, not my interests. The few people I know now disappoint me and let me down - and I shouldn't be disappointed by these people! I want to meet people that are so awesome I am rightfully disappointed if they don't call me on a Friday night.

I guess it's going to be another boring evening after work.